I might not seem autistic, but that doesn’t mean it affects me any less. On the outside, I might look like everybody else, but inside my own head, it’s a completely different story.
Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed that I become motionless, unable to even pick myself up out of bed. I feel every single emotion so strongly that, to others, I may come across as extreme or intense. I wish it were easy to meet new people, but social anxiety holds me back, leaving me unsure of what to say.
When social situations begin, I start to stim – a natural response, but one that draws judgmental looks that are hard to ignore. So, most of the time, I try to mask, behaving in ways that society expects. But how can I be authentic and true to myself when doing so comes at the expense of social acceptance?
I’m often told that I’m too hard on myself, that everything will be okay if I just try my best. But unfortunately, to me, my “best” means perfect, and anything less is unacceptable to my brain. When I see others working harder or doing better, I struggle to take a break, to rest. Instead, I push myself to the point of burnout, where the world feels like it’s closing in on my chest. Every noise becomes louder, every feeling stronger, and I become hyper-aware of every single sense.
Yet, despite all of this, I was repeatedly misdiagnosed – doctors assuming I was simply anxious or depressed. The truth is, I am neurodivergent. I was overstimulated, overwhelmed and desperately needed to learn how to decompress. Instead, I withdrew from the world, often becoming nonverbal, left speechless by my own exhaustion.
I spent so long believing I was the problem – always the first to apologise, always begging for forgiveness. I thought something was wrong with me, and my low self-worth became my greatest weakness. I couldn’t understand my own brain, which made me feel like I was hiding some devastating secret.
I was constantly trying to glue shattered glass back together without even knowing what had broken it in the first place.
But I wasn’t broken – I was autistic. I spent so much time searching for a fix when, in reality, there was nothing that needed to be treated.
The resources and support provided in The Vault are designed to promote mental wellbeing and provide general guidance on mental health related to grassroots football.
However, the content is not intended to serve as specific mental health advice or replace consultation with a trained professional. If you or someone you know requires personalised mental health support, we strongly encourage you to consult with a licensed mental health professional and/or seek appropriate services in your area.
